Monday, August 23, 2010

At Arms Length

So last night I had a dream that really got me thinking. For most of my adult life I've kept my friends at arms length. I thought it had to do with Lynn's death but I realized recently that it goes farther back than that. So, let me begin with the dream. Actually background info, I recently got in touch with my best friend from junior high school (Michelle) and that's what prompted the dream. Okay, so now the dream (condensed version):

I went back to NYC area to see Michelle, I was going to be spending a 4 day weekend with her. I get there (Greyhound) and meet her at the station. We dropped my stuff off at my place and went back to the old neighborhood. We wandered around and talked for a long time.

When I woke up it really made me think about things. That's where it actually all started. Even at such a young age I was friendly but not overly open. I had lots of friends but Michelle was the only person I let get close. In 1988 we moved upstate. It devastated me, I lost the only friend I had. Yes, we could write, but for those of you too young to remember the pre-email age, it's really slow sending a letter the old fashion way.

So we moved upstate, and I made many friends but only let a couple people get close, one in particular became a really good friend for many years until I realized it was too much work trying to keep that going. The rest, well in 1991 we moved again and I lost them.

One year of school in the new place, I met Lynn and it was instant. We became best friends overnight, were nearly inseparable. In 1993 she was killed by a drunk driver. I moved away soon after that.

Now I have lived in the same city for about 16 years. I've made many friends but it wasn't until recently I've started letting any of them get closer. I still hold them at arms length, but maybe someday I will let someone in completely again...