Pixie's Thoughts on Life

Old Poetry

2011-12-21T12:55:00.000-05:00

Time

Tick Tock Tick Tock,
Quickly ticks the clock.
A day whips by,
Then another does fly.
From youth to maid,
My path was laid.
Now time slows,
And a warm breeze blows.
I look back at life,
Always friend, lover, mother, wife.
Every breath taken for others,
Be it friends, family or lovers.
When will I take a breath for me,
When my ashes are scattered at sea?
The time must be now,
Although I am unsure how.
Guess we shall see,
What my new life will be.

One Night

The morning sun breaks through the dark,
As it slowly crests over the mountains.
Quietly you slip from my arms,
And slide into your clothes, intent to steal away.
You take one last look to remember me,
Then of you go, just another day.

The click of the door wakes me,
My bedding so cold and empty.
I look around but there is nothing to see,
As you have taken all your things away.
Was it all just a dream I wonder,
Were you never really here at all?
Did I imagine your soft caresses,
Your warm body sliding against mine?

Slowly I move from my bed,
Moving to the dresser I see a box.
Slowly I lift it, opening it slightly,
Inside a silver chain and faery charm lies.
No note,
A trinket,
A silent tear.

Gone in a flutter,
Gone in a flash.
A night to remember,
A night to forget.

I HAD A DREAM

I had a dream I was walking on the beach, all alone by the moonlight.

The sky was clear and the stars twinkled like thousands of fireflies.

A voice whispered in my ear on the breeze.

I turned, but no one was there.

Again, the voice speaks so softly I can barely hear it.

Whispering back, “I know you…”

I feel the warmth of my tears, as they slowly glide down my cheeks.

Finally, I understand what she is saying…

My heart tears open, yet again.

Slowly I fall to my knees in the sand.

Down I crumble, into a ball, sobbing heavily as I did fifteen years before.

I scream out “WHY!”

In the distance a dog howls, but no other answer.

A warm breeze caresses my cheek, as she whispers her final good-bye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Darker Side

Trouble’s brewing,
Anger stewing,
Fury renewing,
White is losing.

A darker side,
A lonely ride,
Sanity slides,
Hatred arise.

Dark,

Cold,

Hatful,
Old.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hateful

Hurtful,
Angry,
Treacherous,

Evil,

Furious,

Unrelenting,

Lonely.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Love is

Love is the light,
That guides the soul.
It brings you up,
From the darkest hole.
It gives you meaning,
When all was lost.
It brings you hope,
When you feel alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am light

you are dark

I will fight

you give up

I will try

you say why

Let me cry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Emptiness inside

Fighting the sadness I cry

With false smiles I lie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Drowning out the sorrow

Every breath in pain

Again I start the day

Today I hurt again

How will I be the same

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Assumptions

2011-09-16T07:23:00.000-04:00

If there is one thing that can make me really angry when I am not, it's someone assuming and telling me that I am pissed off. Just because I am trying to defend myself it does not mean I am pissed off and when I say can we just drop this and let it go I am saying that because I am trying really hard not to get upset. Worst possible thing you can say to me after I say that is I'm not upset, you're the one that is pissed off because you know what? Now I am and I am done talking.

Moral of this is do not assume and we all know why right? Because it makes an ass of u & me.

ponderings

2011-09-12T16:10:00.000-04:00

Friedrich Nietzsche said "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." So let us say that we go through something and it makes us stronger. We build a life on these pillars unaware of the decay forming in their foundations. One day something slams into those pillars and that life we built comes crashing down. Now we are covered in rubble, grasping for air and trying to get above it. What do we do now?

Trust and Betrayal

2011-09-06T09:12:00.001-04:00

For the longest time I knew better than to put too much faith in others. I've spent a lot of time forgetting why and building trust and faith is humanity but all it takes is one thing. One thing can cause that wall of trust to come crashing down and crumble into little pieces. Then you remember why.
Sunday night I had a total meltdown. First one that bad in ten years, and oddly enough it was for the same thing that caused the one back then. Before my husband I was with someone that had beaten my self esteem into the ground to the point of suicidal tendencies. I absolutely believed I was lacking in shapeliness and worthless and I hated myself. It was all because he would show me nude pictures of "the perfect woman" and tell me how I was lacking here and there and how anyone that was with me was just settling until someone better came along. It took me all this time to rebuild my self esteem and be happy with myself and then Sunday night someone sent my husband a text image of a full frontal nude of a woman with her arms tied above her head and she was build just like "the perfect woman" and I lost it. All that pain, all that self doubt is back. Now I feel like shit about myself again. I pretend I am fine, but inside I hate myself and do not want anyone to look at me. I just want to lock myself away from the world, but I have a family so I can't. Instead I put on my mask, pretend everything is fine, and cry inside.

Close Call - Dream

2011-05-24T13:58:00.002-04:00

I was in a warehouse on the fifth floor of a large building. There were stacks of crates all over, and people working. I was waiting for someone (not sure who) and decided to go downstairs to wait since it was very warm in the warehouse. The elevator had just started heading down so I decided to take the stairs instead of waiting for it to return. I went outside, walked around in front of the building and then had the thought that perhaps the elevator was going down for the person I was meeting. Heading back I took the elevator up. When I stepped off there was blood spattered against the nearest crates and everyone on the floor was dead. I screamed and then woke up.

The Box - Dream

2011-05-23T15:09:00.013-04:00

I wake up and I am in an 8'x8' room but there are no windows or doors. In the ceiling are 4 small holes (one in each corner) and in the very center of the ceiling is a globe style light fixture. The walls and ceiling are a light grey. There is nothing on the walls anywhere in the room, no switches, vents or anything. The floor is a charcoal grey cork but there are no seams, not even where it meets the walls. The song I Want To Marry A Lighthouse Keeper is being piped into the room but I can not tell from what direction. There is nothing but me in the room and just as panic starts to set in I wake up.

Frustrated Housewife

2011-03-15T10:47:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I feel highly underappreciated. Every day I get the kids together, make their lunches, see them off to school. I cook and clean. Each week I wash between 5 and 7 loads of laundry, including folding everyone's clothes. I water all the houseplants, do the grocery shopping, straighten up and try to remain sane. Is that not enough? I've been trying to write a book, but half the time I end up cleaning or doing some other chore instead of working on it. Yet I have plenty of time to "do that one thing" because I have all that free time. {{sigh}} Yes, DH goes to work and works all day, but just because I don't leave the house to work doesn't mean I do not work. What will happen when I finally do get a job and can't keep up with all the tasks I currently do now?

Play Dates

2010-11-11T15:39:00.002-05:00

Why did someone invent this idea? I mean the thought of getting together and being social with people I don't know and probably have nothing in common with while our children play does not appeal to me in any way. I'm not even really into long term socializing with people I like, so the idea of doing it with a complete stranger doesn't appeal to me.

The idea of dropping my kids off at someones home I don't know is even less appealing. Yes, I am jaded, yes I don't trust humanity but you know what, I have reason not to! I've seen the dark side of humanity too many times to NOT be jaded. I've watched kids abuse each other, I've watched parents abuse kids, I've seen what happens on the playground. Do I really want my kids possibly being exposed to more of that? No.

I do not understand why I have to be made to feel like a bad or neglectful parent because I don't like the idea of just dropping my child off with people I don't know. Will I end up doing it, yes. Why? Because it's the "norm" and if I don't then I am a horrible parent. I will hate it, but everyone else will be happy, until something happens to one of our children. Somehow I would probably still be the bad parent though, because I left my kid with someone I didn't know. Modern social ideas for children really suck.

Temper Tantrums

2010-11-11T10:55:00.000-05:00

Honestly I never understood the concept of temper tantrums. When I was a kid my stepsister would throw them and I would be embarrassed for her because she looked ridiculous and was acting like a brat.

Right this moment my youngest (turns 7 next month) is cleaning up the mess he made during an extend tantrum. The tantrum started down here when he misbehaved, was put in time out, misbehaved in time out, got a privilege taken away, threw even more of a fit and was sent to his room. From there he proceeded to destroy his bedroom. He is a highly intelligent child, he was told that his punishment was because he was misbehaving but yet he continued. I can not understand what would posses a child to basically continue to make their punishment worse on purpose. It's baffling!

So now he has been left to his room until he cleans up the mess he has made, even if it means spending the rest of the day up there doing it instead of having fun with his family on his day off from school.

Coldness

2010-11-09T08:23:00.000-05:00

Did you ever wake up cold? Not physically but the kind of cold that starts from your bones and radiates out?

This morning I woke from a nightmare, not the zombie apocalypse kind that was yesterday, but the worst feasible fear come true kind. I was shivering, teeth chattering cold, but I was wrapped in warm blankets and it was at least 69*F in the room. I can't seem to warm up either, it feels like I was dunked in ice. I took my temperature and it's normal so it's not a physical ailment, but the coldness is still there.

Zombie Apocalypse

2010-11-08T08:37:00.000-05:00

So I had the weirdest dreams last night, yes dreams. The weird part is the two dreams were one complete story line, however dream one was the end of the story line and dream two was the beginning of it.

Dream 1
I wake in a 6'x6' room with steel reinforced doors on all four walls. Each door had 2 locks and a metal locking bar. There are two large canvas bags of supplies on the ground across from me under the marks . Outside the doors there is scratching, banging and moaning. They are still out there, my alarm goes off on my watch and it's been another 12 hours, so I make another mark. I look through my supplies hopefully there is enough, hopefully I can survive on half a bottle of water and a granola bar a day with a can of Vienna Sausages every 3 days. I fall back asleep. My alarm goes off 4 more times. The noises at the door stopped a little before the last alarm. Three more alarms, no noises at the door and then there is a banging and voices. A mans voice "Hello, is there anyone there?" I wonder if I am insane, it would be a logical conclusion seeing as I was holed up alone in a pit of hell for a week now but the man calls again. I try to respond but my voice doesn't seem to want to work. Slowly I open the door and there are 4 men and 2 women there. The man that was calling out looks at me with a look of astonishment and sadness and then I pass out. When I wake again he offers me a protein drink in a can and asks me how long I've been here, I put up 7 fingers, he asks "days?" and I nod yes, "but that's since the outbreak began, have you been alone all this time?" I nod again and he hugs me and holds me tight. The others are watching us, watching me. One of the women tell me it's over, that the zombies have all starved to death because the only people alive had all locked themselves away, they were searching for the survivors. I wondered if I was a survivor or a victim. When my strength is enough we move on, weaving through the labyrinth of tunnels through several more crossroads, locking the doors on either side only leaving the ones behind us unlocked. They told me they had locked the initial door so that nobody could come up behind us, but that they've been locking all the side doors for the same reason. They were leaving the path back to the safe house open so that they can send the survivors there. I asked why they were not sending me back, they said they were afraid I wouldn't make it. Eventually we come out to the top side. The sun is so bright I hide my face, hissing like a vampire in the old movies. Once my eyes adjust I look around and it's not like the movies, there were not burning and decayed buildings, everything looked normal except for the bodies everywhere. Then I wake.

Dream 2
I'm at a large indoor Farmers Market, it's inside a huge old factory building. People are milling around shopping, it's a normal day until the zombies start banging on the doors trying to get in. People start screaming, and trying to get to safety, scattering like cockroaches. After a moment of panic I start thinking, this place must have an underground of some kind so I go to the closest market, grab two of their in store canvas bags and load up on bottled water, granola bars, Vienna Sausages, a LED lantern and tons of batteries. Then I head toward the back of the building. I find a heavy metal door that has a large sign NOT FOR PUBLIC so I open it, there are stairs leading down, so I take them. There is still lights at this point so I can see my way down the stairs to a large store room, beyond the store room is a tunnel. I go down the tunnel and there is another door, a heavy metal one with two locks. I unlock it and there is a small room with three other doors, I check the other doors and they are all locked from the other side, but I also have locks on this side, so I lock all 4 doors and decide to stay here. The walls are made of cinder block and the doors are reinforced metal. Nothing can get it, hopefully I can survive long enough to eventually get out. Then I wake.

It was so strange that the dream went in the order that it did. I wonder if my subconscious was trying to make sense of the first one by creating the second one. Strange.

At Arms Length

2010-08-23T10:26:00.000-04:00

So last night I had a dream that really got me thinking. For most of my adult life I've kept my friends at arms length. I thought it had to do with Lynn's death but I realized recently that it goes farther back than that. So, let me begin with the dream. Actually background info, I recently got in touch with my best friend from junior high school (Michelle) and that's what prompted the dream. Okay, so now the dream (condensed version):

I went back to NYC area to see Michelle, I was going to be spending a 4 day weekend with her. I get there (Greyhound) and meet her at the station. We dropped my stuff off at my place and went back to the old neighborhood. We wandered around and talked for a long time.

When I woke up it really made me think about things. That's where it actually all started. Even at such a young age I was friendly but not overly open. I had lots of friends but Michelle was the only person I let get close. In 1988 we moved upstate. It devastated me, I lost the only friend I had. Yes, we could write, but for those of you too young to remember the pre-email age, it's really slow sending a letter the old fashion way.

So we moved upstate, and I made many friends but only let a couple people get close, one in particular became a really good friend for many years until I realized it was too much work trying to keep that going. The rest, well in 1991 we moved again and I lost them.

One year of school in the new place, I met Lynn and it was instant. We became best friends overnight, were nearly inseparable. In 1993 she was killed by a drunk driver. I moved away soon after that.

Now I have lived in the same city for about 16 years. I've made many friends but it wasn't until recently I've started letting any of them get closer. I still hold them at arms length, but maybe someday I will let someone in completely again...

kids should be kids

2009-08-17T16:18:00.000-04:00

So, after returning from what should have been an awesome vacation, but instead was one of the most stressful I have had yet, I came to a conclusion. Certain people should just not be around children. I say this because even though I joke my kids are demons, I know that if they are allowed to be kids they are actually well behaved in a camp situation. Take into account these 2 different situations.

1. We took the kids camping and camped with some people that normally don't choose to be around young children. The kids were given their boundaries but allowed to play and be kids in the larger area. There were no incidences and the kids were well behaved and happy.

2. We took the kids for a longer camping event. We camped in what we thought was a family friendly place. The kids were told to be quiet constantly, couldn't run around and play and be kids. There were many incidents, lots of yelling and very unhappy kids and parents.

What did I learn? That the friends I thought would help and be there for me couldn't handle the kids and expected them to be like the adults (even though they are 5 and 7) and the ones I expect to be yelling at them and miserable actually got along with them. So now I am faced with the question, what do I do next year? Honestly I don't know. I love the friends I camped with but the way they behaved seriously hurt me. Now keep in mind it wasn't all of them, some were very affectionate toward the kids, but it only takes one to make a situation go out of control. If it were up to me I would just not attend again, but then I am over-reacting because it's still hurting pretty bad, although if I do go I am not so sure I want to camp with the same group of people.

Overstayed Welcomes

2009-01-14T09:06:00.001-05:00

How do you tell someone they've long overstayed their welcome when they have no place to go? It wouldn't be so bad if they obeyed the rules of the house, but they don't. So what do you do?

Guest Versus Moocher

2008-07-04T12:16:00.000-04:00

So, after a year of having a friend stay with us who was down in their luck, I am beginning to wonder if opening our home up to them was such a good idea after all.

A GUEST

A guest will chip in toward food
A guest will help out either financially or with chores
A guest cleans up after themselves
A guest will keep themselves clean and respect their host
A guest doesn't outstay their welcome

A MOOCH

A mooch will take food without even asking
A mooch will sit and watch you work or run and the mention of it
A mooch leaves things laying around
A mooch will be a slob
A mooch stays long after their welcome has expired

Is this what being a Mom really is???

2007-12-04T08:05:00.000-05:00

7:00am Wake up and get dresses, go to the bathroom, brush teeth
7:00am Deal with kid that woke up early, woke up siblings and climed over gate to get downstairs and into mischief
7:15am Make lunches and feed kids breakfast
7:20am Stop an argument between 2 kids, scream at top of lungs to be heard, tell one child (for the 5th time) to put something away
7:30am Shovel front porch, stairs and walk path to street for kids to go to the bus
7:45am Come back in to an argument, break it up and tell them to get ready for school
8:00am Short break (with no time to rest)
8:05am Get kids ready for bus and start watching for it.
8:15am Bus is running late thanks to snow, spent past 10 minutes listening to kids arguing and fighting.
8:20am Bus still not here. Middle child picking on youngest. Oldest complaining about having to wait.
8:45am Bus finally arrives after 25 minutes of arguing kids. I finally get to sit and rest while youngest watched a show.

Dredging up old memories...

2007-10-29T10:15:00.000-04:00

It's funny how something that appears to be reasonably small can dredge up memories that are as huge and overbearing as the tallest volcano, ready to spew chaos and pain all over.

They say that time heals all wounds, but that is not true. There will always be a scar there, and if you receive a new wound that corsses over the old one, it could very easily tear that scar wide open and unleash all the old pains.

Before I go any further, I want it to be known that what I am going through is not because of a current issue, but in fact because a recent issue drudged up some very old pains that I buried deep in my box of hurt.

Many many years ago I was with someone who was addicted to porn (see previous posts) who managed to tear me down and make me feel as if I were the most worthless, ugliest woman on the earth. He would get pictures of other women and tell me that he was looking at them because I was a disappointment and that he had to look at them to be able to be with me. He never did anything with another woman (that I knwo of) and always came to bed with me, but in his mind he was with them.

Now, here I am sure you are thinking "Why didn't you leave him?" If you have never been in this situation, it may be impossible for me to make you understand, and in a way I hope you never do because it is a terrible and painful thing.

So, why didn't I leave him... When you are beaten down so badly that you wish you were dead, you will believe anything you are told. When (even if he is the abuser) someone tells you that he loves you, and that he's the only person that can stand to be with you, and that you will never find anyone ever... You believe. You believe because you need something to believe in. Your faith has been beaten down so badly that you try to hold on to anything that you can.

I've never fully recovered from that, I still wonder if I am worth any affections I receive. I need more than normal amounts of confirmation to maintain a reasonable amount of self worth. When the person I am with shows increased interest in a female that is prettier than me it knocks me down, and sometimes....

I'm damaged and broken, and I wonder if that will ever change. People do not understand what I have gone through (unless they have been there) and so I deal with it on my own. As always, alone.

ACK

2006-09-28T09:32:00.000-04:00

So, why is it that the person that leaves home to work thingks they have it worse than the one that stays home. So you get to leave the house for 9-10 hours a day to work and travel. What about the one that is stuck home, caring for the kids and pets. Cleaning, cooking nearly every meal. They never get to leave their jobs. So they don't drive but they still work and they usually don't get to stop after 8 hours. Oh and forget about having weekends off because they are even more busy. So, who really has the harder job?

Underappreciated Housewives

2005-10-04T15:45:00.000-04:00

Did you ever notice the working spouse never seems to realize the work involved in running a house, especially when there are children at home? You can spend the day fighting with the kids, constantly cleaning up after them while trying to get the housework done. After doing dishes from breakfast and lunch (neither of which you had a chance to eat), cleaning (both general and food messes), possibly laundry, and any other combination of household chores you are exausted. Then the spouse comes home, older kids return from school, you help with homework listen to how their days went (does anyone ask how yours was? no!), and start dinner. After cooking and eating (usually a luke warm) dinner you are expected to clean up the kitchen and do dishes. Then you relax (is this possible) for an hour or two before the bedtime rituals start. Finally, kids are in bed and you get to put your feet up... Sometimes. Finally it's bedtime for yourself and your spouse can't understand why you are exausted "I mean, you really didn't do much today." And not once are you shown any appreciation because all you did throughout the day is "expected" of you, so it's nothing special.

Poem - The Attic

2005-10-04T14:17:00.000-04:00

As the attic walls close in around her,
She frantically searches for a chain.
When finally found she pulls,
But no light rescues her from darkness.
The young child finds the corner,
And cries herself to sleep.
During the night,
To a sound she awakes.
Bolting upright she screams,
Finding herself still in her chamber.
Unable to see the walls of her cell,
She wishes for someone to save her.
All alone she was locked away,
For what crime he did not say.
The truth be told,
There was no crime.
Only an old man's insanity,
And a young mothers fears.
So alone in darkness she sits crying,
And alone she shall cry through the years.
© 1995 "Pixie" Brearley

Poem - Reunited

2005-10-04T14:13:00.000-04:00

Shattered glass,
Broken dreams.
River of tears.
Empty and alone.
Lost in a maze,
Walls falling around me.
Darkness and the pain is gone.
A hand,
I reach out.
The darkness fades,
A familiar face.
She came to guide me,
Far from here.
The light,
So bright.
Her laugh,
A smile.
So long apart,
Now together.
Forever.
© 1994 Carol "Pixie" Brearley

Poem - Saying Goodbye

2005-10-04T14:07:00.000-04:00

I sit atop this hill my friend,
Watching the clouds pass me by.
My eyes grow dark from the tears they shed,
For we had not even said goodbye.

Your life was taken so many years ago,
But the pain still sits here inside.
And I cry each day that slowly goes by,
Whispering and wondering why.

I remember the day I heard the news,
It was cold even for a summer’s eve.
My heart refused to believe what I heard,
But the tear came so hard and freely.
© 2005 Carol “Pixie” Brearley

Now my heart won’t mend,
For I can’t seem to let you go.
You were my truest friend,
And now you are gone.

I often find myself upon this hill,
Especially when the days are cold.
I wrap my arms around my knees,
And I sit here and slowly grow old.
© 2005 Carol “Pixie” Brearley

Poem - Alone

2005-10-04T13:57:00.000-04:00

Alone…
I am all alone.
Nobody can hear my screams.
No one to hold me near.
No one to dry my tears.

Tears…
Burning down my cheeks,
Streams of liquid fire.

Fire…
Burning deep within my soul.
The pain ripping through me.
Tearing like a knife.

A knife…
Thrust into my heart.
Twisted, turning.
Shredding what I am.

Trying to resist.
Forced to feel.
No emotions.
No desire.
No love.
No pain.
No more.
© 2005 Carol “Pixie” Brearley

Part 3: Why do men lie?

2005-10-04T13:40:00.000-04:00

Why is it that men seem to feel a need to lie to us when they are caught? Do they think it will make things better? Don't they realize we know they are lying and that it is just hurting us more?

A little bit of wisdom

Men who lie or cheat or abuse will never change, especially if it's been going on for years. It is like a disease, it seeps into their blood and the longer it's there the stronger it gets. After time they become experts at hiding the evidence. They can fool even the most observant eye. When it gets to this point you can not change them. The disease has taken them over. It's tainted their blood! Here are the different types of abusers men can be: A man who physically abuses learns to hit or grab where the bruises will not be seen. Generally the abuse is worse in the winter, more places covered. In the summer however, it hurts more because you are constantly being struck in the same areas. She will believe that she deserves what she is receiving, and keep things hidden from those that love her to protect him.

A man who mentally abuses learns that he can abuse the person so much that they feel the world would not believe a word they say. They begin to believe they are worthless and insignificant. They will even begin to create lies to cover for the abuser, feeling they "owe" him something. A lot of times the mental abuser is coupled with the physical abuser, if not eventually it will be.

A man who sexually abuses believes that since he is in a relationship with the person he deserves sexual gratification whenever he wants it. He will take it even when she is not in the mood, forcing himself upon her. Eventually this becomes a form of mental abuse as well because the woman will begin to wonder if she is wrong for not giving to him what he wants when he wants it.

Liars are one of my hardest to deal with. Some men just lie. They may not even realize they are doing it because they have been doing it for so long. They could be small lies, or they can be big ones, but they are all the same to him. They get so good at it you can't even see the signs when they do it. Be careful, they can make people believe you are the one in the wrong.

And now for what I feel is the worst offender, the cheater. Cheating can take many forms. The affair with another woman. The internet affair. And the one that at one point nearly killed me because... Well, that's another story. The porn pervert.

First, the affair. A man has a relationship with another woman. This could be sexual or emotional. A sexual affair though still hurtful, could have been a meaningless act of stupidity, but an emotional affair is worse. He's started to confide in the other woman, spending time with her. Eventually this will lead to the destruction of your relationship. He will begin to distance himself from you emotionally, and eventually all together. The sexual affair has broken my heart many a time in my past.

Next, the internet affair. This could be secret sexual IM's or letters. The man might not even think he is doing anything wrong, since there is no physical contact. I've not suffered from this one, (at least I never found out about it.) So I can't really get into it much.

Finally, the porn pervert. My heart still bears the scars and I still carry a mistrust because of this one. In short, I was with a man who was literally obsessed with porn. He would download, no exaggeration, 50 - 100 images a day. He would lie to me and say he wasn't looking, then do it again. My self image deteriorated until I felt ugly and worthless, then the final straw broke. He was looking at porn instead of picking me up from work. I lost it and tried to kill myself. I was heartbroken and mentally destroyed. Now, just the thought of the man I am with looking at it nearly brings me to tears. I think if I were to ever find him looking at it I would have to go away for a while, and it may even ruin the relationship for good. When a man looks at porn in secret while in a relationship, he is giving the woman the feeling that she is not sexually gratifying him. The way she feels about her physical appearance will diminish. It hurts more than the man thinks. And the effects can last a long time.

I have gone on so much about the deceptions and abuse of men, but I completely forgot about the cruelties of women. I guess I managed to block it out. I have been hurt by nearly every female I have come across. I've been told that it is because they feel threatened by me, so they lash out. I don't know why they would feel threatened. When I become friends with someone I would do anything for them. I have, on numerous occasions, put my own problems aside to help out my best friend. I have certain rules of etiquette when I am friends with someone, but for some reason women still feel threatened by me. Anyway, now that I have said that, let me tell you some of the things women have done to me.

Verbal cruelty seems to be one of the major forms of abuse women take. If a female feels threatened by another she will try to make the other female feel bad about herself. It could be by pointing out flaws in her appearance, or life. Making up false stories about her, or her significant other.
© 2005 Carol “Pixie” Brearley

Part 2: Why relationships fail

2005-10-04T13:37:00.000-04:00

I know this is one I will need input on, because there are so many reasons out there. I can only come up with the ones I've experienced or witnessed first hand. The many reasons we "fall out of love" with each other.

Lies. This is one that can start with a little white lie, but sometimes those little lies begin to add up and turn into bigger ones. Don't lie to your partner. No matter how much you think the truth hurts, a lie will hurt even more when it comes out. Be truthful with the one you love from the beginning. If you have already told them lies, bring the truth out, tactfully. A lie will come between the two of you in more ways than you can imagine. You have to realize that it will always be eating away at your conscience, until one day you will have to let it out and end the self punishment. Why let it get to that?

Physical attraction. Sadly this is a major issue in relationships. If you are not physically attracted to the person you are with anymore, one of two things will occur, you either work past it, helping them return to the way they were when you first met, or you leave them. Personally, I think it is sad that a pure and loving relationship can break up over a few extra pounds, or a few less strands of hair. Have we become so shallow that we fail to see the inner beauty that attracted us to our lovers to begin with? Why does society feel the need to instill the "Barbie and Ken" image of what your ideal partner should look like upon us? They do not exist, and if they do, it's fake! The next time you feel less attracted to your lover, look into their eyes, deeply, and remember why you love them.

Routines. Did you ever notice that you get into a relationship and after time you fall into the same old routines? This is a major issue with sex. Many couples feel that if you have been together for a while, there's nothing new you can experience. Or maybe you fall into a comfortable rut. This does not have to happen though. You can spice up your lives, especially your love lives. Take a weekend get away; explore each other as if you were just meeting. Look into new things to try, like the Kama Sutra or toys. Shower together, washing each other's body's from head to toe. A scalp massage during a shampoo is wonderful. Always make sure to make time for each other.

Jealousy. This is one I really can't give much advice about because I've been known to be a very jealous person. All I can say is, if you are feeling jealousy, you need to look deeper into the relationship. There's a reason we all feel jealousy, and it's not always 100% the other person. Sometimes you feel jealousy because you don't have trust in them, sometimes because you don't have trust in yourself.

Addictions like drugs, cigarettes and alcohol. This can get in the way of even the best relationship. Addictions are a difficult thing, and can be worked through if you want to, but if you don't you might as well kiss your loved one goodbye. If you refuse to give up whatever is coming in the way, then just cut your partner free. Making a person stay by you as you throw your life away is the cruelest thing you can do. Even those addictions you may think are harmless can hurt your partners self esteem or trigger bad childhood memories. Be considerate.

Finances. This is a major one in today's society. When money's tight it can be a serious strain on any relationship. I've watched many a marriage fall apart, or come real close; because one of them loses a job or bills get too high. Many forget one thing; money does not make the man (or woman.) So you do not have the money to live comfortably, which can change; don't throw away a relationship because of it. That's the time you need to come together and be strong, not push each other away, or blame each other.

Part 1: Why we get into destructive relationships

2005-10-04T13:35:00.000-04:00

This is something I wrote back before I got married.

Have you ever noticed just how many people fall in love, get married, and not long after (or sometimes years later) get divorced? Haven't you ever wondered why that is? I'm sure everyone that is reading this has thought, "this is the one, this is the person I will spend the rest of my life with," only to find out that there was something you didn't know about getting into the relationship that will eventually ruin it. Everyone is guilty of going into love blind. When you fall in love you pray that this person will be "the one" and you make yourself believe in this, even if it's obviously not true. But what is it about love that makes us do these things? Why do we even seek out love? Well, after several failed relationships of my own, and watching several of the ones of those closest to me, I've come to the following conclusion. People fall in love for assorted reasons, and I shall now touch on some of the ones I've noticed are most common.

There are those out there (myself included) that will go into a relationship with blinders on. They will fall so hard and so fast they do not see the warning signs. Even their friends will warn them, but these people generally tend to ignore the warnings because they cannot see it. They are so desperate to achieve "perfect love" that they will ignore anything that goes against that. More times than not, there's other reasons for this. One being loneliness. Another is "the clock is ticking." Desperation. Low self esteem. The list can go on forever. When they finally do realize it, it's too late and the hurt they go through is unbearable. Sometimes they will even try to work things through, even though it is a hopeless cause. When your friend's going through this, just be there for them, and when they fall be there to catch them and help them back on their feet. You can warn them all you want, but they will not see it, and if they are totally into the other person, they may even get upset with you for "interfering." Do not let this get to you, you want to help, but there's generally no helping them until they open their eyes on their own.

Loneliness. How many of you have been with a person because you don't want to be alone? You may not necessarily want to spend the rest of your life with that person, but you need "someone." Loneliness is a terrible thing, it can make a person's heart ache, and thus they seek out companionship in whatever form they can. Their friends could best help the ones who fall in love for this reason. They got into the relationship because they need someone, as friends you should be there for them. Give them the companionship they need. Let them know they are loved. Give them the affection they need so they don't break someone else's heart.

I feel desperation and "ticking clock" generally fall under the same description. You are starting to get older in age, you feel you need to settle down. Maybe you don't want to get too old before having children, or possibly you just fear growing old alone. Women tend to have the biological clock problem. Time is ticking, and you need someone. A lot of times you will fine someone that is almost perfect and settle with them, but is this truly the wisest thing to do?

"Almost everything is perfect." These are one of the toughest relationships. How do you handle one that is perfect in almost every aspect, yet there's one of the major components missing? For some, this may actually work out, if the missing component is known from the beginning. What about those, however, that don't realize something is missing? What if that something, although major, is kept hidden somehow? What do you do when it finally comes out? Some relationships, by this point, are so strong it can be worked around. Obviously it had been worked around to this point, so to continue would not be disastrous. However, what if the reason it came out was because of insecurity?

This leads me to another reason for a disastrous relationship. Insecurity. Low self-esteem. No self worth. Again, I am guilty of these. You feel so terrible about yourself that you look to another to bring yourself up, or down. This is always a tough one because there's always the two ways you can go. You are feeling really low about yourself, you meet someone that showers you with compliments. They make you feel really good about yourself, so you get involved with them. Okay, so some will say, "what's wrong with that?" The true question should be, "are you with them because of how they make you feel about yourself, or how you feel about them?" The other way a person with low self-esteem can go is with the person that solidifies their feelings about their self. Destructive relationships. A person feels really low, meets someone that feels equally low and wallows in self-pity with them. Or perhaps your partner says you are worse off than them. They need someone to make them feel more significant, and they do this by degrading their partner. This is a trap many that suffer from low self worth fall into because they believe it's true. To have someone pity you for it, telling you that it is true, but they still want you.

The other person pulls the wool over your eyes, as well as everyone else's. Have you ever dated that person that makes you believe they are truly the person you are looking for? That person that finds out everything you like and pretend to be into it as well. You become attracted to them, eventually falling in love, and then it comes out, the true self. You can't believe you were so foolish, but don't blame yourself. More than likely they pulled the wool over your friends eyes too, you will not be the only one feeling betrayed, it's just too bad you had to go through so much first.