7:00am Wake up and get dresses, go to the bathroom, brush teeth
7:00am Deal with kid that woke up early, woke up siblings and climed over gate to get downstairs and into mischief
7:15am Make lunches and feed kids breakfast
7:20am Stop an argument between 2 kids, scream at top of lungs to be heard, tell one child (for the 5th time) to put something away
7:30am Shovel front porch, stairs and walk path to street for kids to go to the bus
7:45am Come back in to an argument, break it up and tell them to get ready for school
8:00am Short break (with no time to rest)
8:05am Get kids ready for bus and start watching for it.
8:15am Bus is running late thanks to snow, spent past 10 minutes listening to kids arguing and fighting.
8:20am Bus still not here. Middle child picking on youngest. Oldest complaining about having to wait.
8:45am Bus finally arrives after 25 minutes of arguing kids. I finally get to sit and rest while youngest watched a show.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Dredging up old memories...
It's funny how something that appears to be reasonably small can dredge up memories that are as huge and overbearing as the tallest volcano, ready to spew chaos and pain all over.
They say that time heals all wounds, but that is not true. There will always be a scar there, and if you receive a new wound that crosses over the old one, it could very easily tear that scar wide open and unleash all the old pains.
Before I go any further, I want it to be known that what I am going through is not because of a current issue, but in fact because a recent issue drudged up some very old pains that I buried deep in my box of hurt.
Many many years ago I was with someone who was addicted to porn (see previous posts) who managed to tear me down and make me feel as if I were the most worthless, ugliest woman on the earth. He would get pictures of other women and tell me that he was looking at them because I was a disappointment and that he had to look at them to be able to be with me. He never did anything with another woman (that I know of) and always came to bed with me, but in his mind he was with them.
Now, here I am sure you are thinking "Why didn't you leave him?" If you have never been in this situation, it may be impossible for me to make you understand, and in a way I hope you never do because it is a terrible and painful thing.
So, why didn't I leave him... When you are beaten down so badly that you wish you were dead, you will believe anything you are told. When (even if he is the abuser) someone tells you that he loves you, and that he's the only person that can stand to be with you, and that you will never find anyone ever... You believe. You believe because you need something to believe in. Your faith has been beaten down so badly that you try to hold on to anything that you can.
I've never fully recovered from that, I still wonder if I am worth any affections I receive. I need more than normal amounts of confirmation to maintain a reasonable amount of self worth. When the person I am with shows increased interest in a female that is prettier than me it knocks me down, and sometimes....
I'm damaged and broken, and I wonder if that will ever change. People do not understand what I have gone through (unless they have been there) and so I deal with it on my own. As always, alone.
They say that time heals all wounds, but that is not true. There will always be a scar there, and if you receive a new wound that crosses over the old one, it could very easily tear that scar wide open and unleash all the old pains.
Before I go any further, I want it to be known that what I am going through is not because of a current issue, but in fact because a recent issue drudged up some very old pains that I buried deep in my box of hurt.
Many many years ago I was with someone who was addicted to porn (see previous posts) who managed to tear me down and make me feel as if I were the most worthless, ugliest woman on the earth. He would get pictures of other women and tell me that he was looking at them because I was a disappointment and that he had to look at them to be able to be with me. He never did anything with another woman (that I know of) and always came to bed with me, but in his mind he was with them.
Now, here I am sure you are thinking "Why didn't you leave him?" If you have never been in this situation, it may be impossible for me to make you understand, and in a way I hope you never do because it is a terrible and painful thing.
So, why didn't I leave him... When you are beaten down so badly that you wish you were dead, you will believe anything you are told. When (even if he is the abuser) someone tells you that he loves you, and that he's the only person that can stand to be with you, and that you will never find anyone ever... You believe. You believe because you need something to believe in. Your faith has been beaten down so badly that you try to hold on to anything that you can.
I've never fully recovered from that, I still wonder if I am worth any affections I receive. I need more than normal amounts of confirmation to maintain a reasonable amount of self worth. When the person I am with shows increased interest in a female that is prettier than me it knocks me down, and sometimes....
I'm damaged and broken, and I wonder if that will ever change. People do not understand what I have gone through (unless they have been there) and so I deal with it on my own. As always, alone.
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