To All the Skinny Girls

So more and more lately you are seeing these images of robust women with titles of "Real Women Have Curves" or "Real Women Are Not Twigs" and here you are a young lady that is quite thin.  Not because you are dieting, or bulimic or anything like that, but because you were born with a high metabolism.  You just cannot gain weight, no matter how hard you try.  I have been there.

Growing up I was always the "twiggy girl" that for the life of me could not put on weight.  I would binge eat for days at a time, sit on my ass and not gain a pound.  I tried desperately to put on weight, I wanted to be one of the girls with the beautiful curves that the boys always went after, but it wasn't happening.

I always ended up the "pal" or "good friend" of the boys I liked because they always saw me as "one of the boys."  And why not, I mean I was always small chested, flat bottomed, thin and lanky. 

I had my crew that I spent most of my time with, and yes I finally met my first love in high school.  He was actually interested in me, as more than a friend!  It was amazing, and I did everything I could to make him happy.  Eventually we split up, he moved on, life went on.

I had a couple other boyfriends in high school but none of them lasted.  They all seemed to leave for one of the better figured females.  I really began to wonder if there truly was something wrong with me.

And then one day I realized there was something wrong with me, I did not believe in myself.  So what if I barely filled an A cup, so what if I wasn't a fat bottomed girl, I an compassionate, and I know how to love!  I do not need boobs to make someone happy.

Do not judge someone by their size, be it thin or overweight.  Do not think that just because they do not fit the Barbie doll basis of beautiful that they are not worth your time.  Your ignorance and mistreatment could be the final straw that sends that poor person to commit suicide, or do something else that they will regret for the rest of their lives.

Get to know them, you might be surprised.  Love is not about the physical, it's about the emotional.

It's been a while since I have ranted...

So everyone has been talking about how wonderful it is to have a tablet so I started looking into them.  Yes, okay...they are pretty darn cool.  So now I start seriously considering one, unfortunately I cannot seem to find one that fits my specific parameters.

1. No Windows 8 Yes, I know that Windows 8 was pretty much designed for Tablets but it sucks donkey butt and I really do not want to have to deal with it.
2. Microsoft Office I use Office for everything I do, so it is a definite requirement. No Office, no deal.
3. External Keyboard No, I do not mean an attached one like a laptop, I mean either a wireless one or one that connects to it so that when I have an inspiration and want to write something down I can do it easily.
4. Swappable Batteries A spare battery would be bliss when going on trips where I may not be able to plug in when the battery gets low.

I am really not asking for a whole lot, just something that fits my needs and desires and will make me happy.  Is that too much to ask for?

Dear Christian God

Dear Christian God,

You and I both know I lost faith in you a long time ago but that is not why I am talking to you. I am here on behalf of many of my friends that still believe in you. They look to you for guidance, support and love so why don't you give it to them. Are you trying to push away every last soul that believes in you? Have you lost faith in the human race so much that you do not even care about them any more? When one of your followers calls on you for strength how hard is it to give it to them? Love should not be a one way thing, if you want them to continue loving you, show them some love back.

Sincerely,
Me

Assumptions

If there is one thing that can make me really angry when I am not, it's someone assuming and telling me that I am pissed off. Just because I am trying to defend myself it does not mean I am pissed off and when I say can we just drop this and let it go I am saying that because I am trying really hard not to get upset. Worst possible thing you can say to me after I say that is I'm not upset, you're the one that is pissed off because you know what? Now I am and I am done talking.

Moral of this is do not assume and we all know why right? Because it makes an ass of u & me.

Trust and Betrayal

For the longest time I knew better than to put too much faith in others. I've spent a lot of time forgetting why and building trust and faith is humanity but all it takes is one thing. One thing can cause that wall of trust to come crashing down and crumble into little pieces. Then you remember why.
Sunday night I had a total meltdown. First one that bad in ten years, and oddly enough it was for the same thing that caused the one back then. Before my husband I was with someone that had beaten my self esteem into the ground to the point of suicidal tendencies. I absolutely believed I was lacking in shapeliness and worthless and I hated myself. It was all because he would show me nude pictures of "the perfect woman" and tell me how I was lacking here and there and how anyone that was with me was just settling until someone better came along. It took me all this time to rebuild my self esteem and be happy with myself and then Sunday night someone sent my husband a text image of a full frontal nude of a woman with her arms tied above her head and she was build just like "the perfect woman" and I lost it. All that pain, all that self doubt is back. Now I feel like shit about myself again. I pretend I am fine, but inside I hate myself and do not want anyone to look at me. I just want to lock myself away from the world, but I have a family so I can't. Instead I put on my mask, pretend everything is fine, and cry inside.

Frustrated Housewife

Sometimes I feel highly underappreciated. Every day I get the kids together, make their lunches, see them off to school. I cook and clean. Each week I wash between 5 and 7 loads of laundry, including folding everyone's clothes. I water all the houseplants, do the grocery shopping, straighten up and try to remain sane. Is that not enough? I've been trying to write a book, but half the time I end up cleaning or doing some other chore instead of working on it. Yet I have plenty of time to "do that one thing" because I have all that free time. {{sigh}} Yes, DH goes to work and works all day, but just because I don't leave the house to work doesn't mean I do not work. What will happen when I finally do get a job and can't keep up with all the tasks I currently do now?

Dredging up old memories...

It's funny how something that appears to be reasonably small can dredge up memories that are as huge and overbearing as the tallest volcano, ready to spew chaos and pain all over.

They say that time heals all wounds, but that is not true. There will always be a scar there, and if you receive a new wound that crosses over the old one, it could very easily tear that scar wide open and unleash all the old pains.

Before I go any further, I want it to be known that what I am going through is not because of a current issue, but in fact because a recent issue drudged up some very old pains that I buried deep in my box of hurt.

Many many years ago I was with someone who was addicted to porn (see previous posts) who managed to tear me down and make me feel as if I were the most worthless, ugliest woman on the earth. He would get pictures of other women and tell me that he was looking at them because I was a disappointment and that he had to look at them to be able to be with me. He never did anything with another woman (that I know of) and always came to bed with me, but in his mind he was with them.

Now, here I am sure you are thinking "Why didn't you leave him?" If you have never been in this situation, it may be impossible for me to make you understand, and in a way I hope you never do because it is a terrible and painful thing.

So, why didn't I leave him... When you are beaten down so badly that you wish you were dead, you will believe anything you are told. When (even if he is the abuser) someone tells you that he loves you, and that he's the only person that can stand to be with you, and that you will never find anyone ever... You believe. You believe because you need something to believe in. Your faith has been beaten down so badly that you try to hold on to anything that you can.

I've never fully recovered from that, I still wonder if I am worth any affections I receive. I need more than normal amounts of confirmation to maintain a reasonable amount of self worth. When the person I am with shows increased interest in a female that is prettier than me it knocks me down, and sometimes....

I'm damaged and broken, and I wonder if that will ever change. People do not understand what I have gone through (unless they have been there) and so I deal with it on my own. As always, alone.

ACK

So, why is it that the person that leaves home to work thinks they have it worse than the one that stays home. So you get to leave the house for 9-10 hours a day to work and travel. What about the one that is stuck home, caring for the kids and pets. Cleaning, cooking nearly every meal. They never get to leave their jobs. So they don't drive but they still work and they usually don't get to stop after 8 hours. Oh and forget about having weekends off because they are even more busy. So, who really has the harder job?

Underappreciated Housewives

Did you ever notice the working spouse never seems to realize the work involved in running a house, especially when there are children at home? You can spend the day fighting with the kids, constantly cleaning up after them while trying to get the housework done. After doing dishes from breakfast and lunch (neither of which you had a chance to eat), cleaning (both general and food messes), possibly laundry, and any other combination of household chores you are exausted. Then the spouse comes home, older kids return from school, you help with homework listen to how their days went (does anyone ask how yours was? no!), and start dinner. After cooking and eating (usually a luke warm) dinner you are expected to clean up the kitchen and do dishes. Then you relax (is this possible) for an hour or two before the bedtime rituals start. Finally, kids are in bed and you get to put your feet up... Sometimes. Finally it's bedtime for yourself and your spouse can't understand why you are exausted "I mean, you really didn't do much today." And not once are you shown any appreciation because all you did throughout the day is "expected" of you, so it's nothing special.

Part 3: Why do men lie?

Why is it that men seem to feel a need to lie to us when they are caught? Do they think it will make things better? Don't they realize we know they are lying and that it is just hurting us more?

A little bit of wisdom

Men who lie or cheat or abuse will never change, especially if it's been going on for years. It is like a disease, it seeps into their blood and the longer it's there the stronger it gets. After time they become experts at hiding the evidence. They can fool even the most observant eye. When it gets to this point you can not change them. The disease has taken them over. It's tainted their blood! Here are the different types of abusers men can be: A man who physically abuses learns to hit or grab where the bruises will not be seen. Generally the abuse is worse in the winter, more places covered. In the summer however, it hurts more because you are constantly being struck in the same areas. She will believe that she deserves what she is receiving, and keep things hidden from those that love her to protect him.

A man who mentally abuses learns that he can abuse the person so much that they feel the world would not believe a word they say. They begin to believe they are worthless and insignificant. They will even begin to create lies to cover for the abuser, feeling they "owe" him something. A lot of times the mental abuser is coupled with the physical abuser, if not eventually it will be.

A man who sexually abuses believes that since he is in a relationship with the person he deserves sexual gratification whenever he wants it. He will take it even when she is not in the mood, forcing himself upon her. Eventually this becomes a form of mental abuse as well because the woman will begin to wonder if she is wrong for not giving to him what he wants when he wants it.

Liars are one of my hardest to deal with. Some men just lie. They may not even realize they are doing it because they have been doing it for so long. They could be small lies, or they can be big ones, but they are all the same to him. They get so good at it you can't even see the signs when they do it. Be careful, they can make people believe you are the one in the wrong.

And now for what I feel is the worst offender, the cheater. Cheating can take many forms. The affair with another woman. The internet affair. And the one that at one point nearly killed me because... Well, that's another story. The porn pervert.

First, the affair. A man has a relationship with another woman. This could be sexual or emotional. A sexual affair though still hurtful, could have been a meaningless act of stupidity, but an emotional affair is worse. He's started to confide in the other woman, spending time with her. Eventually this will lead to the destruction of your relationship. He will begin to distance himself from you emotionally, and eventually all together. The sexual affair has broken my heart many a time in my past.

Next, the internet affair. This could be secret sexual IM's or letters. The man might not even think he is doing anything wrong, since there is no physical contact. I've not suffered from this one, (at least I never found out about it.) So I can't really get into it much.

Finally, the porn pervert. My heart still bears the scars and I still carry a mistrust because of this one. In short, I was with a man who was literally obsessed with porn. He would download, no exaggeration, 50 - 100 images a day. He would lie to me and say he wasn't looking, then do it again. My self image deteriorated until I felt ugly and worthless, then the final straw broke. He was looking at porn instead of picking me up from work. I lost it and tried to kill myself. I was heartbroken and mentally destroyed. Now, just the thought of the man I am with looking at it nearly brings me to tears. I think if I were to ever find him looking at it I would have to go away for a while, and it may even ruin the relationship for good. When a man looks at porn in secret while in a relationship, he is giving the woman the feeling that she is not sexually gratifying him. The way she feels about her physical appearance will diminish. It hurts more than the man thinks. And the effects can last a long time.

I have gone on so much about the deceptions and abuse of men, but I completely forgot about the cruelties of women. I guess I managed to block it out. I have been hurt by nearly every female I have come across. I've been told that it is because they feel threatened by me, so they lash out. I don't know why they would feel threatened. When I become friends with someone I would do anything for them. I have, on numerous occasions, put my own problems aside to help out my best friend. I have certain rules of etiquette when I am friends with someone, but for some reason women still feel threatened by me. Anyway, now that I have said that, let me tell you some of the things women have done to me.

Verbal cruelty seems to be one of the major forms of abuse women take. If a female feels threatened by another she will try to make the other female feel bad about herself. It could be by pointing out flaws in her appearance, or life. Making up false stories about her, or her significant other.
© 2005 Carol “Pixie” Brearley

Part 2: Why relationships fail

I know this is one I will need input on, because there are so many reasons out there. I can only come up with the ones I've experienced or witnessed first hand. The many reasons we "fall out of love" with each other.

Lies. This is one that can start with a little white lie, but sometimes those little lies begin to add up and turn into bigger ones. Don't lie to your partner. No matter how much you think the truth hurts, a lie will hurt even more when it comes out. Be truthful with the one you love from the beginning. If you have already told them lies, bring the truth out, tactfully. A lie will come between the two of you in more ways than you can imagine. You have to realize that it will always be eating away at your conscience, until one day you will have to let it out and end the self punishment. Why let it get to that?

Physical attraction. Sadly this is a major issue in relationships. If you are not physically attracted to the person you are with anymore, one of two things will occur, you either work past it, helping them return to the way they were when you first met, or you leave them. Personally, I think it is sad that a pure and loving relationship can break up over a few extra pounds, or a few less strands of hair. Have we become so shallow that we fail to see the inner beauty that attracted us to our lovers to begin with? Why does society feel the need to instill the "Barbie and Ken" image of what your ideal partner should look like upon us? They do not exist, and if they do, it's fake! The next time you feel less attracted to your lover, look into their eyes, deeply, and remember why you love them.

Routines. Did you ever notice that you get into a relationship and after time you fall into the same old routines? This is a major issue with sex. Many couples feel that if you have been together for a while, there's nothing new you can experience. Or maybe you fall into a comfortable rut. This does not have to happen though. You can spice up your lives, especially your love lives. Take a weekend get away; explore each other as if you were just meeting. Look into new things to try, like the Kama Sutra or toys. Shower together, washing each other's body's from head to toe. A scalp massage during a shampoo is wonderful. Always make sure to make time for each other.

Jealousy. This is one I really can't give much advice about because I've been known to be a very jealous person. All I can say is, if you are feeling jealousy, you need to look deeper into the relationship. There's a reason we all feel jealousy, and it's not always 100% the other person. Sometimes you feel jealousy because you don't have trust in them, sometimes because you don't have trust in yourself.

Addictions like drugs, cigarettes and alcohol. This can get in the way of even the best relationship. Addictions are a difficult thing, and can be worked through if you want to, but if you don't you might as well kiss your loved one goodbye. If you refuse to give up whatever is coming in the way, then just cut your partner free. Making a person stay by you as you throw your life away is the cruelest thing you can do. Even those addictions you may think are harmless can hurt your partners self esteem or trigger bad childhood memories. Be considerate.

Finances. This is a major one in today's society. When money's tight it can be a serious strain on any relationship. I've watched many a marriage fall apart, or come real close; because one of them loses a job or bills get too high. Many forget one thing; money does not make the man (or woman.) So you do not have the money to live comfortably, which can change; don't throw away a relationship because of it. That's the time you need to come together and be strong, not push each other away, or blame each other.

Part 1: Why we get into destructive relationships

This is something I wrote back before I got married.

Have you ever noticed just how many people fall in love, get married, and not long after (or sometimes years later) get divorced? Haven't you ever wondered why that is? I'm sure everyone that is reading this has thought, "this is the one, this is the person I will spend the rest of my life with," only to find out that there was something you didn't know about getting into the relationship that will eventually ruin it. Everyone is guilty of going into love blind. When you fall in love you pray that this person will be "the one" and you make yourself believe in this, even if it's obviously not true. But what is it about love that makes us do these things? Why do we even seek out love? Well, after several failed relationships of my own, and watching several of the ones of those closest to me, I've come to the following conclusion. People fall in love for assorted reasons, and I shall now touch on some of the ones I've noticed are most common.

There are those out there (myself included) that will go into a relationship with blinders on. They will fall so hard and so fast they do not see the warning signs. Even their friends will warn them, but these people generally tend to ignore the warnings because they cannot see it. They are so desperate to achieve "perfect love" that they will ignore anything that goes against that. More times than not, there's other reasons for this. One being loneliness. Another is "the clock is ticking." Desperation. Low self esteem. The list can go on forever. When they finally do realize it, it's too late and the hurt they go through is unbearable. Sometimes they will even try to work things through, even though it is a hopeless cause. When your friend's going through this, just be there for them, and when they fall be there to catch them and help them back on their feet. You can warn them all you want, but they will not see it, and if they are totally into the other person, they may even get upset with you for "interfering." Do not let this get to you, you want to help, but there's generally no helping them until they open their eyes on their own.

Loneliness. How many of you have been with a person because you don't want to be alone? You may not necessarily want to spend the rest of your life with that person, but you need "someone." Loneliness is a terrible thing, it can make a person's heart ache, and thus they seek out companionship in whatever form they can. Their friends could best help the ones who fall in love for this reason. They got into the relationship because they need someone, as friends you should be there for them. Give them the companionship they need. Let them know they are loved. Give them the affection they need so they don't break someone else's heart.

I feel desperation and "ticking clock" generally fall under the same description. You are starting to get older in age, you feel you need to settle down. Maybe you don't want to get too old before having children, or possibly you just fear growing old alone. Women tend to have the biological clock problem. Time is ticking, and you need someone. A lot of times you will fine someone that is almost perfect and settle with them, but is this truly the wisest thing to do?

"Almost everything is perfect." These are one of the toughest relationships. How do you handle one that is perfect in almost every aspect, yet there's one of the major components missing? For some, this may actually work out, if the missing component is known from the beginning. What about those, however, that don't realize something is missing? What if that something, although major, is kept hidden somehow? What do you do when it finally comes out? Some relationships, by this point, are so strong it can be worked around. Obviously it had been worked around to this point, so to continue would not be disastrous. However, what if the reason it came out was because of insecurity?

This leads me to another reason for a disastrous relationship. Insecurity. Low self-esteem. No self worth. Again, I am guilty of these. You feel so terrible about yourself that you look to another to bring yourself up, or down. This is always a tough one because there's always the two ways you can go. You are feeling really low about yourself, you meet someone that showers you with compliments. They make you feel really good about yourself, so you get involved with them. Okay, so some will say, "what's wrong with that?" The true question should be, "are you with them because of how they make you feel about yourself, or how you feel about them?" The other way a person with low self-esteem can go is with the person that solidifies their feelings about their self. Destructive relationships. A person feels really low, meets someone that feels equally low and wallows in self-pity with them. Or perhaps your partner says you are worse off than them. They need someone to make them feel more significant, and they do this by degrading their partner. This is a trap many that suffer from low self worth fall into because they believe it's true. To have someone pity you for it, telling you that it is true, but they still want you.

The other person pulls the wool over your eyes, as well as everyone else's. Have you ever dated that person that makes you believe they are truly the person you are looking for? That person that finds out everything you like and pretend to be into it as well. You become attracted to them, eventually falling in love, and then it comes out, the true self. You can't believe you were so foolish, but don't blame yourself. More than likely they pulled the wool over your friends eyes too, you will not be the only one feeling betrayed, it's just too bad you had to go through so much first.