It's funny how something that appears to be reasonably small can dredge up memories that are as huge and overbearing as the tallest volcano, ready to spew chaos and pain all over.
They say that time heals all wounds, but that is not true. There will always be a scar there, and if you receive a new wound that crosses over the old one, it could very easily tear that scar wide open and unleash all the old pains.
Before I go any further, I want it to be known that what I am going through is not because of a current issue, but in fact because a recent issue drudged up some very old pains that I buried deep in my box of hurt.
Many many years ago I was with someone who was addicted to porn (see previous posts) who managed to tear me down and make me feel as if I were the most worthless, ugliest woman on the earth. He would get pictures of other women and tell me that he was looking at them because I was a disappointment and that he had to look at them to be able to be with me. He never did anything with another woman (that I know of) and always came to bed with me, but in his mind he was with them.
Now, here I am sure you are thinking "Why didn't you leave him?" If you have never been in this situation, it may be impossible for me to make you understand, and in a way I hope you never do because it is a terrible and painful thing.
So, why didn't I leave him... When you are beaten down so badly that you wish you were dead, you will believe anything you are told. When (even if he is the abuser) someone tells you that he loves you, and that he's the only person that can stand to be with you, and that you will never find anyone ever... You believe. You believe because you need something to believe in. Your faith has been beaten down so badly that you try to hold on to anything that you can.
I've never fully recovered from that, I still wonder if I am worth any affections I receive. I need more than normal amounts of confirmation to maintain a reasonable amount of self worth. When the person I am with shows increased interest in a female that is prettier than me it knocks me down, and sometimes....
I'm damaged and broken, and I wonder if that will ever change. People do not understand what I have gone through (unless they have been there) and so I deal with it on my own. As always, alone.
