Thursday, June 13, 2013

Divorce, children and making decisions

So, one of the hardest things about divorce and sharing children is deciding where to live.  If you are lucky like me, your ex will be accommodating and you will have an easy working relationship. I know this is not always the case though.  Unfortunately, even if you do have a great working relationship it is not that easy.  Options become very limited in where you can live depending on how often you actually want to see the child. 

If you live in the same city as the child's other parent, you are able to see them more.  Take our arrangement, I have my daughter the first half of the week, my ex has her the second half.  Been this way since she was little.

But then if i were to move further away it could put a serious crimp in my ability to see her as much as I would like.  Depending on where she decided to go to school, I could end up only seeing her on weekends.  If I am too far, it may be less than that. 

Would I be able to live with that?  No, she is my baby and I don't think I could survive not watching her growing up.  So that leaves me with only one choice.

So now I put this question out there.  What would you be willing to do in this situation?  Would you be willing to risk losing your child to live somewhere else or would you stay close to them so you can hold on?

Monday, May 13, 2013

To All the Skinny Girls

So more and more lately you are seeing these images of robust women with titles of "Real Women Have Curves" or "Real Women Are Not Twigs" and here you are a young lady that is quite thin.  Not because you are dieting, or bulimic or anything like that, but because you were born with a high metabolism.  You just cannot gain weight, no matter how hard you try.  I have been there.

Growing up I was always the "twiggy girl" that for the life of me could not put on weight.  I would binge eat for days at a time, sit on my ass and not gain a pound.  I tried desperately to put on weight, I wanted to be one of the girls with the beautiful curves that the boys always went after, but it wasn't happening.

I always ended up the "pal" or "good friend" of the boys I liked because they always saw me as "one of the boys."  And why not, I mean I was always small chested, flat bottomed, thin and lanky. 

I had my crew that I spent most of my time with, and yes I finally met my first love in high school.  He was actually interested in me, as more than a friend!  It was amazing, and I did everything I could to make him happy.  Eventually we split up, he moved on, life went on.

I had a couple other boyfriends in high school but none of them lasted.  They all seemed to leave for one of the better figured females.  I really began to wonder if there truly was something wrong with me.

And then one day I realized there was something wrong with me, I did not believe in myself.  So what if I barely filled an A cup, so what if I wasn't a fat bottomed girl, I an compassionate, and I know how to love!  I do not need boobs to make someone happy.

Do not judge someone by their size, be it thin or overweight.  Do not think that just because they do not fit the Barbie doll basis of beautiful that they are not worth your time.  Your ignorance and mistreatment could be the final straw that sends that poor person to commit suicide, or do something else that they will regret for the rest of their lives.

Get to know them, you might be surprised.  Love is not about the physical, it's about the emotional.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

It's been a while since I have ranted...

So everyone has been talking about how wonderful it is to have a tablet so I started looking into them.  Yes, okay...they are pretty darn cool.  So now I start seriously considering one, unfortunately I cannot seem to find one that fits my specific parameters.
  1. No Windows 8 Yes, I know that Windows 8 was pretty much designed for Tablets but it sucks donkey butt and I really do not want to have to deal with it.
  2. Microsoft Office I use Office for everything I do, so it is a definite requirement. No Office, no deal.
  3. External Keyboard No, I do not mean an attached one like a laptop, I mean either a wireless one or one that connects to it so that when I have an inspiration and want to write something down I can do it easily.
  4. Swappable Batteries A spare battery would be bliss when going on trips where I may not be able to plug in when the battery gets low.
I am really not asking for a whole lot, just something that fits my needs and desires and will make me happy.  Is that too much to ask for?

Monday, April 16, 2012

Dear Christian God

Dear Christian God,

You and I both know I lost faith in you a long time ago but that is not why I am talking to you. I am here on behalf of many of my friends that still believe in you. They look to you for guidance, support and love so why don't you give it to them. Are you trying to push away every last soul that believes in you? Have you lost faith in the human race so much that you do not even care about them any more? When one of your followers calls on you for strength how hard is it to give it to them? Love should not be a one way thing, if you want them to continue loving you, show them some love back.


Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Old Poetry

Tick Tock Tick Tock,
Quickly ticks the clock.
A day whips by,
Then another does fly.
From youth to maid,
My path was laid.
Now time slows,
And a warm breeze blows.
I look back at life,
Always friend, lover, mother, wife.
Every breath taken for others,
Be it friends, family or lovers.
When will I take a breath for me,
When my ashes are scattered at sea?
The time must be now,
Although I am unsure how.
Guess we shall see,
What my new life will be.

© 2006 Carol “Pixie” Brearley
One Night
The morning sun breaks through the dark,
As it slowly crests over the mountains.
Quietly you slip from my arms,
And slide into your clothes, intent to steal away.
You take one last look to remember me,
Then of you go, just another day.
The click of the door wakes me,
My bedding so cold and empty.
I look around but there is nothing to see,
As you have taken all your things away.
Was it all just a dream I wonder,
Were you never really here at all?
Did I imagine your soft caresses,
Your warm body sliding against mine?
Slowly I move from my bed,
Moving to the dresser I see a box.
Slowly I lift it, opening it slightly,
Inside a silver chain and faery charm lies.
No note,
A trinket,
A silent tear.
Gone in a flutter,
Gone in a flash.
A night to remember,
A night to forget.

© 2006 Carol “Pixie” Brearley

I had a dream I was walking on the beach, all alone by the moonlight.
The sky was clear and the stars twinkled like thousands of fireflies.
A voice whispered in my ear on the breeze.
I turned, but no one was there.
Again, the voice speaks so softly I can barely hear it.
Whispering back, “I know you…”
I feel the warmth of my tears, as they slowly glide down my cheeks.
Finally, I understand what she is saying…
My heart tears open, yet again.
Slowly I fall to my knees in the sand.
Down I crumble, into a ball, sobbing heavily as I did fifteen years before.
I scream out “WHY!”
In the distance a dog howls, but no other answer.
A warm breeze caresses my cheek, as she whispers her final good-bye.
© 2007 Carol “Pixie” Brearley
A Darker Side
Trouble’s brewing,
Anger stewing,
Fury renewing,
White is losing.

A darker side,
A lonely ride,
Sanity slides,
Hatred arise.


© 2007 Carol “Pixie” Brearley


© 2007 Carol “Pixie” Brearley
Love is

Love is the light,
That guides the soul.
It brings you up,
From the darkest hole.
It gives you meaning,
When all was lost.
It brings you hope,
When you feel alone.

© 2007 Carol “Pixie” Brearley
I am light
you are dark
I will fight
you give up
I will try
you say why
Let me cry.

© 2010 Carol “Pixie” Brearley
Emptiness inside
Fighting the sadness I cry
With false smiles I lie

© 2010 Carol “Pixie” Brearley
Drowning out the sorrow
Every breath in pain
Again I start the day
Today I hurt again
How will I be the same

© 2010 Carol “Pixie” Brearley

Friday, September 16, 2011


If there is one thing that can make me really angry when I am not, it's someone assuming and telling me that I am pissed off. Just because I am trying to defend myself it does not mean I am pissed off and when I say can we just drop this and let it go I am saying that because I am trying really hard not to get upset. Worst possible thing you can say to me after I say that is I'm not upset, you're the one that is pissed off because you know what? Now I am and I am done talking.

Moral of this is do not assume and we all know why right? Because it makes an ass of u & me.

Monday, September 12, 2011


Friedrich Nietzsche said "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." So let us say that we go through something and it makes us stronger. We build a life on these pillars unaware of the decay forming in their foundations. One day something slams into those pillars and that life we built comes crashing down. Now we are covered in rubble, grasping for air and trying to get above it. What do we do now?