Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Underappreciated Housewives

Did you ever notice the working spouse never seems to realize the work involved in running a house, especially when there are children at home? You can spend the day fighting with the kids, constantly cleaning up after them while trying to get the housework done. After doing dishes from breakfast and lunch (neither of which you had a chance to eat), cleaning (both general and food messes), possibly laundry, and any other combination of household chores you are exausted. Then the spouse comes home, older kids return from school, you help with homework listen to how their days went (does anyone ask how yours was? no!), and start dinner. After cooking and eating (usually a luke warm) dinner you are expected to clean up the kitchen and do dishes. Then you relax (is this possible) for an hour or two before the bedtime rituals start. Finally, kids are in bed and you get to put your feet up... Sometimes. Finally it's bedtime for yourself and your spouse can't understand why you are exausted "I mean, you really didn't do much today." And not once are you shown any appreciation because all you did throughout the day is "expected" of you, so it's nothing special.

Poem - The Attic

As the attic walls close in around her,
She frantically searches for a chain.
When finally found she pulls,
But no light rescues her from darkness.
The young child finds the corner,
And cries herself to sleep.
During the night,
To a sound she awakes.
Bolting upright she screams,
Finding herself still in her chamber.
Unable to see the walls of her cell,
She wishes for someone to save her.
All alone she was locked away,
For what crime he did not say.
The truth be told,
There was no crime.
Only an old man's insanity,
And a young mothers fears.
So alone in darkness she sits crying,
And alone she shall cry through the years.
© 1995 "Pixie" Brearley

Poem - Reunited

Shattered glass,
Broken dreams.
River of tears.
Empty and alone.
Lost in a maze,
Walls falling around me.
Darkness and the pain is gone.
A hand,
I reach out.
The darkness fades,
A familiar face.
She came to guide me,
Far from here.
The light,
So bright.
Her laugh,
A smile.
So long apart,
Now together.
Forever.
© 1994 Carol "Pixie" Brearley

Poem - Saying Goodbye

I sit atop this hill my friend,
Watching the clouds pass me by.
My eyes grow dark from the tears they shed,
For we had not even said goodbye.

Your life was taken so many years ago,
But the pain still sits here inside.
And I cry each day that slowly goes by,
Whispering and wondering why.

I remember the day I heard the news,
It was cold even for a summer’s eve.
My heart refused to believe what I heard,
But the tear came so hard and freely.
© 2005 Carol “Pixie” Brearley

Now my heart won’t mend,
For I can’t seem to let you go.
You were my truest friend,
And now you are gone.

I often find myself upon this hill,
Especially when the days are cold.
I wrap my arms around my knees,
And I sit here and slowly grow old.
© 2005 Carol “Pixie” Brearley

Poem - Alone

Alone…
I am all alone.
Nobody can hear my screams.
No one to hold me near.
No one to dry my tears.

Tears…
Burning down my cheeks,
Streams of liquid fire.

Fire…
Burning deep within my soul.
The pain ripping through me.
Tearing like a knife.

A knife…
Thrust into my heart.
Twisted, turning.
Shredding what I am.

Trying to resist.
Forced to feel.
No emotions.
No desire.
No love.
No pain.
No more.
© 2005 Carol “Pixie” Brearley

Part 3: Why do men lie?

Why is it that men seem to feel a need to lie to us when they are caught? Do they think it will make things better? Don't they realize we know they are lying and that it is just hurting us more?

A little bit of wisdom

Men who lie or cheat or abuse will never change, especially if it's been going on for years. It is like a disease, it seeps into their blood and the longer it's there the stronger it gets. After time they become experts at hiding the evidence. They can fool even the most observant eye. When it gets to this point you can not change them. The disease has taken them over. It's tainted their blood! Here are the different types of abusers men can be: A man who physically abuses learns to hit or grab where the bruises will not be seen. Generally the abuse is worse in the winter, more places covered. In the summer however, it hurts more because you are constantly being struck in the same areas. She will believe that she deserves what she is receiving, and keep things hidden from those that love her to protect him.

A man who mentally abuses learns that he can abuse the person so much that they feel the world would not believe a word they say. They begin to believe they are worthless and insignificant. They will even begin to create lies to cover for the abuser, feeling they "owe" him something. A lot of times the mental abuser is coupled with the physical abuser, if not eventually it will be.

A man who sexually abuses believes that since he is in a relationship with the person he deserves sexual gratification whenever he wants it. He will take it even when she is not in the mood, forcing himself upon her. Eventually this becomes a form of mental abuse as well because the woman will begin to wonder if she is wrong for not giving to him what he wants when he wants it.

Liars are one of my hardest to deal with. Some men just lie. They may not even realize they are doing it because they have been doing it for so long. They could be small lies, or they can be big ones, but they are all the same to him. They get so good at it you can't even see the signs when they do it. Be careful, they can make people believe you are the one in the wrong.

And now for what I feel is the worst offender, the cheater. Cheating can take many forms. The affair with another woman. The internet affair. And the one that at one point nearly killed me because... Well, that's another story. The porn pervert.

First, the affair. A man has a relationship with another woman. This could be sexual or emotional. A sexual affair though still hurtful, could have been a meaningless act of stupidity, but an emotional affair is worse. He's started to confide in the other woman, spending time with her. Eventually this will lead to the destruction of your relationship. He will begin to distance himself from you emotionally, and eventually all together. The sexual affair has broken my heart many a time in my past.

Next, the internet affair. This could be secret sexual IM's or letters. The man might not even think he is doing anything wrong, since there is no physical contact. I've not suffered from this one, (at least I never found out about it.) So I can't really get into it much.

Finally, the porn pervert. My heart still bears the scars and I still carry a mistrust because of this one. In short, I was with a man who was literally obsessed with porn. He would download, no exaggeration, 50 - 100 images a day. He would lie to me and say he wasn't looking, then do it again. My self image deteriorated until I felt ugly and worthless, then the final straw broke. He was looking at porn instead of picking me up from work. I lost it and tried to kill myself. I was heartbroken and mentally destroyed. Now, just the thought of the man I am with looking at it nearly brings me to tears. I think if I were to ever find him looking at it I would have to go away for a while, and it may even ruin the relationship for good. When a man looks at porn in secret while in a relationship, he is giving the woman the feeling that she is not sexually gratifying him. The way she feels about her physical appearance will diminish. It hurts more than the man thinks. And the effects can last a long time.

I have gone on so much about the deceptions and abuse of men, but I completely forgot about the cruelties of women. I guess I managed to block it out. I have been hurt by nearly every female I have come across. I've been told that it is because they feel threatened by me, so they lash out. I don't know why they would feel threatened. When I become friends with someone I would do anything for them. I have, on numerous occasions, put my own problems aside to help out my best friend. I have certain rules of etiquette when I am friends with someone, but for some reason women still feel threatened by me. Anyway, now that I have said that, let me tell you some of the things women have done to me.

Verbal cruelty seems to be one of the major forms of abuse women take. If a female feels threatened by another she will try to make the other female feel bad about herself. It could be by pointing out flaws in her appearance, or life. Making up false stories about her, or her significant other.
© 2005 Carol “Pixie” Brearley

Part 2: Why relationships fail

I know this is one I will need input on, because there are so many reasons out there. I can only come up with the ones I've experienced or witnessed first hand. The many reasons we "fall out of love" with each other.

Lies. This is one that can start with a little white lie, but sometimes those little lies begin to add up and turn into bigger ones. Don't lie to your partner. No matter how much you think the truth hurts, a lie will hurt even more when it comes out. Be truthful with the one you love from the beginning. If you have already told them lies, bring the truth out, tactfully. A lie will come between the two of you in more ways than you can imagine. You have to realize that it will always be eating away at your conscience, until one day you will have to let it out and end the self punishment. Why let it get to that?

Physical attraction. Sadly this is a major issue in relationships. If you are not physically attracted to the person you are with anymore, one of two things will occur, you either work past it, helping them return to the way they were when you first met, or you leave them. Personally, I think it is sad that a pure and loving relationship can break up over a few extra pounds, or a few less strands of hair. Have we become so shallow that we fail to see the inner beauty that attracted us to our lovers to begin with? Why does society feel the need to instill the "Barbie and Ken" image of what your ideal partner should look like upon us? They do not exist, and if they do, it's fake! The next time you feel less attracted to your lover, look into their eyes, deeply, and remember why you love them.

Routines. Did you ever notice that you get into a relationship and after time you fall into the same old routines? This is a major issue with sex. Many couples feel that if you have been together for a while, there's nothing new you can experience. Or maybe you fall into a comfortable rut. This does not have to happen though. You can spice up your lives, especially your love lives. Take a weekend get away; explore each other as if you were just meeting. Look into new things to try, like the Kama Sutra or toys. Shower together, washing each other's body's from head to toe. A scalp massage during a shampoo is wonderful. Always make sure to make time for each other.

Jealousy. This is one I really can't give much advice about because I've been known to be a very jealous person. All I can say is, if you are feeling jealousy, you need to look deeper into the relationship. There's a reason we all feel jealousy, and it's not always 100% the other person. Sometimes you feel jealousy because you don't have trust in them, sometimes because you don't have trust in yourself.

Addictions like drugs, cigarettes and alcohol. This can get in the way of even the best relationship. Addictions are a difficult thing, and can be worked through if you want to, but if you don't you might as well kiss your loved one goodbye. If you refuse to give up whatever is coming in the way, then just cut your partner free. Making a person stay by you as you throw your life away is the cruelest thing you can do. Even those addictions you may think are harmless can hurt your partners self esteem or trigger bad childhood memories. Be considerate.

Finances. This is a major one in today's society. When money's tight it can be a serious strain on any relationship. I've watched many a marriage fall apart, or come real close; because one of them loses a job or bills get too high. Many forget one thing; money does not make the man (or woman.) So you do not have the money to live comfortably, which can change; don't throw away a relationship because of it. That's the time you need to come together and be strong, not push each other away, or blame each other.

Part 1: Why we get into destructive relationships

This is something I wrote back before I got married.

Have you ever noticed just how many people fall in love, get married, and not long after (or sometimes years later) get divorced? Haven't you ever wondered why that is? I'm sure everyone that is reading this has thought, "this is the one, this is the person I will spend the rest of my life with," only to find out that there was something you didn't know about getting into the relationship that will eventually ruin it. Everyone is guilty of going into love blind. When you fall in love you pray that this person will be "the one" and you make yourself believe in this, even if it's obviously not true. But what is it about love that makes us do these things? Why do we even seek out love? Well, after several failed relationships of my own, and watching several of the ones of those closest to me, I've come to the following conclusion. People fall in love for assorted reasons, and I shall now touch on some of the ones I've noticed are most common.

There are those out there (myself included) that will go into a relationship with blinders on. They will fall so hard and so fast they do not see the warning signs. Even their friends will warn them, but these people generally tend to ignore the warnings because they cannot see it. They are so desperate to achieve "perfect love" that they will ignore anything that goes against that. More times than not, there's other reasons for this. One being loneliness. Another is "the clock is ticking." Desperation. Low self esteem. The list can go on forever. When they finally do realize it, it's too late and the hurt they go through is unbearable. Sometimes they will even try to work things through, even though it is a hopeless cause. When your friend's going through this, just be there for them, and when they fall be there to catch them and help them back on their feet. You can warn them all you want, but they will not see it, and if they are totally into the other person, they may even get upset with you for "interfering." Do not let this get to you, you want to help, but there's generally no helping them until they open their eyes on their own.

Loneliness. How many of you have been with a person because you don't want to be alone? You may not necessarily want to spend the rest of your life with that person, but you need "someone." Loneliness is a terrible thing, it can make a person's heart ache, and thus they seek out companionship in whatever form they can. Their friends could best help the ones who fall in love for this reason. They got into the relationship because they need someone, as friends you should be there for them. Give them the companionship they need. Let them know they are loved. Give them the affection they need so they don't break someone else's heart.

I feel desperation and "ticking clock" generally fall under the same description. You are starting to get older in age, you feel you need to settle down. Maybe you don't want to get too old before having children, or possibly you just fear growing old alone. Women tend to have the biological clock problem. Time is ticking, and you need someone. A lot of times you will fine someone that is almost perfect and settle with them, but is this truly the wisest thing to do?

"Almost everything is perfect." These are one of the toughest relationships. How do you handle one that is perfect in almost every aspect, yet there's one of the major components missing? For some, this may actually work out, if the missing component is known from the beginning. What about those, however, that don't realize something is missing? What if that something, although major, is kept hidden somehow? What do you do when it finally comes out? Some relationships, by this point, are so strong it can be worked around. Obviously it had been worked around to this point, so to continue would not be disastrous. However, what if the reason it came out was because of insecurity?

This leads me to another reason for a disastrous relationship. Insecurity. Low self-esteem. No self worth. Again, I am guilty of these. You feel so terrible about yourself that you look to another to bring yourself up, or down. This is always a tough one because there's always the two ways you can go. You are feeling really low about yourself, you meet someone that showers you with compliments. They make you feel really good about yourself, so you get involved with them. Okay, so some will say, "what's wrong with that?" The true question should be, "are you with them because of how they make you feel about yourself, or how you feel about them?" The other way a person with low self-esteem can go is with the person that solidifies their feelings about their self. Destructive relationships. A person feels really low, meets someone that feels equally low and wallows in self-pity with them. Or perhaps your partner says you are worse off than them. They need someone to make them feel more significant, and they do this by degrading their partner. This is a trap many that suffer from low self worth fall into because they believe it's true. To have someone pity you for it, telling you that it is true, but they still want you.

The other person pulls the wool over your eyes, as well as everyone else's. Have you ever dated that person that makes you believe they are truly the person you are looking for? That person that finds out everything you like and pretend to be into it as well. You become attracted to them, eventually falling in love, and then it comes out, the true self. You can't believe you were so foolish, but don't blame yourself. More than likely they pulled the wool over your friends eyes too, you will not be the only one feeling betrayed, it's just too bad you had to go through so much first.