If there is one thing that can make me really angry when I am not, it's someone assuming and telling me that I am pissed off. Just because I am trying to defend myself it does not mean I am pissed off and when I say can we just drop this and let it go I am saying that because I am trying really hard not to get upset. Worst possible thing you can say to me after I say that is I'm not upset, you're the one that is pissed off because you know what? Now I am and I am done talking.
Moral of this is do not assume and we all know why right? Because it makes an ass of u & me.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
ponderings
Friedrich Nietzsche said "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." So let us say that we go through something and it makes us stronger. We build a life on these pillars unaware of the decay forming in their foundations. One day something slams into those pillars and that life we built comes crashing down. Now we are covered in rubble, grasping for air and trying to get above it. What do we do now?
Tuesday, September 06, 2011
Trust and Betrayal
For the longest time I knew better than to put too much faith in others. I've spent a lot of time forgetting why and building trust and faith is humanity but all it takes is one thing. One thing can cause that wall of trust to come crashing down and crumble into little pieces. Then you remember why.
Sunday night I had a total meltdown. First one that bad in ten years, and oddly enough it was for the same thing that caused the one back then. Before my husband I was with someone that had beaten my self esteem into the ground to the point of suicidal tendencies. I absolutely believed I was lacking in shapeliness and worthless and I hated myself. It was all because he would show me nude pictures of "the perfect woman" and tell me how I was lacking here and there and how anyone that was with me was just settling until someone better came along. It took me all this time to rebuild my self esteem and be happy with myself and then Sunday night someone sent my husband a text image of a full frontal nude of a woman with her arms tied above her head and she was build just like "the perfect woman" and I lost it. All that pain, all that self doubt is back. Now I feel like shit about myself again. I pretend I am fine, but inside I hate myself and do not want anyone to look at me. I just want to lock myself away from the world, but I have a family so I can't. Instead I put on my mask, pretend everything is fine, and cry inside.
Sunday night I had a total meltdown. First one that bad in ten years, and oddly enough it was for the same thing that caused the one back then. Before my husband I was with someone that had beaten my self esteem into the ground to the point of suicidal tendencies. I absolutely believed I was lacking in shapeliness and worthless and I hated myself. It was all because he would show me nude pictures of "the perfect woman" and tell me how I was lacking here and there and how anyone that was with me was just settling until someone better came along. It took me all this time to rebuild my self esteem and be happy with myself and then Sunday night someone sent my husband a text image of a full frontal nude of a woman with her arms tied above her head and she was build just like "the perfect woman" and I lost it. All that pain, all that self doubt is back. Now I feel like shit about myself again. I pretend I am fine, but inside I hate myself and do not want anyone to look at me. I just want to lock myself away from the world, but I have a family so I can't. Instead I put on my mask, pretend everything is fine, and cry inside.
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